Protecting Children in Divorce: Co-Parenting Strategies and Creating a Stable Environment
You are free to ignore the people who told you that, by getting divorced, you are prioritizing your own desires over your children’s well-being. Divorce is difficult for everyone, including children, but adults whose parents got divorced are just as likely to have a good relationship with their parents as adults whose parents are unhappily married. If you get divorced, the worst-case scenario is that you and your ex will have a high conflict relationship; in this case, your children will look forward to the day they turn 18 and no longer have to be in the middle of your drama. If this happens, they will likely want to distance themselves from at least one parent.
It follows that, if you do not want your children to feel that you are putting them in the middle of endless conflict, you must do something to manage the conflict. No one ever said that it was easy to keep the peace with someone who was dishonest with you or who abandoned you in your time of need and now continues to show his or her worst side to your children. A Whittier child custody lawyer can help you take the first steps to build a healthy relationship with your children and your co-parent.
Invest in an Airtight Parenting Plan
It is a scary thought that, if you get divorced, the court invites itself to micromanage your relationship with your children. Every couple that gets divorced when their children are minors must get a court-ordered parenting plan. The parenting plan indicates which parent will be with the children on which nights of the year, how the children will get from one parent’s house to the other, and which parent has the final decision about the children’s education, extracurricular activities, and non-emergency medical care. How many overnights you spend with the children is one of the factors in the statewide formula for calculating child support.
Do not think of it as a punishment, even though it is tempting to resent the unhappily married folks who do not get dragged to court, but merely get an earful from their spouse, if their paycheck arrives late or if they change their plans with extended family for Black Friday at the last minute. Instead, think of a parenting plan as an airtight agreement that protects you from your ex-spouse’s flakiness and impulsive decisions. If your parenting plan says that the children must spend Christmas with you in odd-numbered years, it is not just a matter of you being controlling; it is a court order.
In other words, divorced parents can often keep the peace simply by following their parenting plans. Except in extraordinary circumstances, the parents themselves are the ones who write the parenting plan. Therefore, it is worthwhile to spend time in divorce mediation working out the details of the parenting plan. Be honest with yourself about which experiences with your children are most important to you and which commitments you can reasonably keep regarding parenting time and transportation.
Managing Your Own Emotions and Modeling Emotional Maturity
The parenting plan gives you a predictable schedule, which takes away some of the stress and uncertainty. It cannot control the insensitive things your ex and her family say in the presence of your children or your ex’s unreasonable rules about food and screen time. The only way to deal with these things is through your own emotional maturity. You can avoid overreacting, picking fights, and putting your children in the middle by reminding yourself of the things that are going well in your life that have nothing to do with co-parenting, such as your work and your friends. Listen without judgment when your children talk to you about their conflicts with your ex and his side of the family. Do your best to see your ex as a complete person, with hopes, fears, and motivations, and avoid reacting as though your children or your ex is a problem to be dealt with. This takes a lot of practice, but it is worthwhile.
When and How to Agree to Disagree
Some ex-spouses truly cannot get along with each other, and it is obvious to the court that their relationship is beyond repair. If this is the case, the court might structure your parenting plan so that you and your ex have minimal contact with each other, exchanging parenting time at the children’s school instead of at each other’s houses and communicating through co-parenting apps instead of talking to each other directly.
Contact the Law Offices of Omar Gastelum About Co-Parenting With Your Ex-Spouse
A family law attorney can help you establish a tolerable co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse. Contact the Law Offices of Omar Gastelum in Whittier, California to set up a consultation.
Sources
https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/
A Whittier family law attorney can help you formalize a parenting plan so you and your ex-spouse can successfully co-parent your children.
